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Stage 4 bowel cancer

StellieHB

My heart is hurting

Those of you that know me know that I was diagnosed with Dukes C last year and I have been given the all clear. At the same time, a lovely man who was so very kind to me (prior to all this) was diagnosed. We have had treatments at the same time and supported one another throughout. He has now been told he is inoperable. Please help me know what to say to him. I know this isn't about me but I just am in bits - he owns the coffee franchise at Amersham Station and used to get someone to run a coffee on to the train for me if I was late - he has a kind word to say to everyone. To make things worse a very lovely lady that worked on the platform died of BC a few years ago - we all used to laugh and have fun together every morning. - I miss her terribly. I literally can't take the pain and just don't know what to say to him. I am so angry with this cruel disease. I care so much about all of you too and am finding it so hard to read some of the updates lately - I realise I am reading and not experiencing the symptoms and it's out of order to talk about my pain but it just hurts me so much. I care very much about all of you.

Lizalou

Just to let you know I am thinking of you @StellieHB :x:

StellieHB

@Lizalou Thank you. You're lovely. As I say - this isn't about me but I just need help in knowing what to say. I hope you're ok lovely Lizalou? :x::x:

Naomi6861

@StellieHB tell him what you have just told. Tell him how he has enriched your life and what a lovely person he is and that you are there for him. He will know you won't know what to say but the fact you are reaching out to him will mean the world to him. Dont feel guilty about being given the all clear, he will know that you hold him in your heart xx big hugs :x::x:

StellieHB

Thank you @Naomi6861 - I keep thinking if it was me - I'd want to know I made a difference.I'll tell him. Thank you and well done on your run you superstar :x:

Swan

That's is very good advice from Naomi. I wanted to reply yesterday but didn't know what to suggest! :x:

Brian

@StellieHB I have been in this position so many times, sadly. Out of twelve of us who became good friends through diagnosis and treatment, I'm the only one left. Going through each difficult event does not prepare you for the next one, but you do get used to being truthful and loving in a way that speaks volumes to the individual concerned. When people hear 'inoperable', they often hear 'written off', and that is definitely not the case! Being told you are inoperable does not mean that the end is nigh! There are lots of examples on here where people first given that diagnosis eventually became able to have surgery because of their response to treatment. By the way, this IS partly about you, because you share daily life and mean something to one another. My advice is to be yourself, as he is being; show loving concern for his well-being. In conversation, make it clear (without saying it) that YOU have certainly not written him off: take an interest in his 'story' - most of us like to tell others what we are up to, what we have planned, how we are coping (or not). This guy has a great approach to HIS life; he wants to enjoy his time with people however long or short that may be. My consultant told me to get on with my life because a stroke, heart attack or accident could kill me before the cancer did! As a result, I promised myself as a survivour, to 'make this world a better place because I'm still in it'. Maybe you could think along the same lines. Life is hard; showing unconditional love is hard; but the miracle, is that doing so touches the hearts of those who need to be enfolded - you make their world a better place because you're in it! Hugs, B :x:

Terrish

Hi @StellieHB - I had a clear 2 year scan last month and had mixed feelings announcing it on here. It feels almost wrong to celebrate it, yet every time someone else posts good news it gives me a lift. It does seem we have more bad news on here sometimes, which is why it is important to post good news too, no matter how wrong it might feel at the time, and then we all celebrate it and must try not to feel guilty.

There is lots of great advice from others and I can't think of anything to add for your friend, but I do want to say - @Brian - you were one of the first names on here that I began to recognise and look for, and you have made this world a better place for me because I always valued your kind words. Just saying! :x::x:

angepange

I have been through the same and followed @Brian s advice. I think his words are perfect. :x::x:

Brian
MaryHB

I'm with Brian on this, @StellieHB be yourself and just listen to what he wants to tell you.
I recently volunteered to be a helper at the local Cancer Exercise Class, and I wasn't sure at first if I could take it, but I discovered that most of my time is spent in listening or just chatting to the patients (all stages), and truthfully we all gain so much from each other. 🙂 I Think it just helps them to know I am interested enough to listen - and I think your friend will feel the same.
I was also told like Brian, by my GP that I had more risk now of dying now from a stroke, heart attack or, as I live in rural Devon by one of those mega-enormous agricultural vehicles that in theses modern times drive round our narrow lanes at speed, so I made a resolution to get on with life and try and put a little back into the system that I had had so much help from.
Lots of love, Mary :x::x::x:

StellieHB

@MaryHB, @Terrish, @Swan, @angepange and @Brian - heartfelt thanks for your kind and caring responses to such a difficult and subjective question. Brian - thank you so much for your help. I've got lots to take away from that and it is really, really good advice. Thanks also to Terrish, Angepange and Mary HB - it sounds like 'listening' and being there is the key. And yes Brian is awesome Terrish. Swan - I really appreciate your comment- there are SO many times I don't know what to say - so say nothing but your comment meant the world. Thank you all so much :x:

springer michelle

Being there for someone who has cancer is the best thing. I'm clear but I still am there for people I know and help them by having a laugh at it, talking about it, or just them knowing you're there for them. The bonds we make are special and never leave us :x:

StellieHB

Thank you @springer michelle - you're lovely :x:

springer michelle

Ah thanks. It got me through my own journey by looking after my friends who became close, :x: