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General Discussion

blue moon

Where is the support.....just letting off steam!

Hello everyone,
sorry if I’ve posted something similar before but all of you give such useful and wonderful advice.
As some of you know my dear hubby has had a rough couple of weeks including two hospital stays due to having a blocked bowel/stoma, and again it feels like we have coped with this alone and just got on with it. Our lives are like a roller coaster of emotions, as you all well know, and it helps when you feel love, support and kindness from others. The future is so uncertain and you need a support network, and from people you are certain will be there for you through thick and thin.
I have now stopped putting any posts up on FB because I think some people feel that adding a “like” your post is enough to justify that they are keeping in touch and offering their support! One of my friends hasn’t bothered with me in 18 months, even though we used to be close, and it makes it difficult when we bump into each other, its so awkward. I get angry sometimes and want to message her about how I feel but I really don’t like to hurt or upset anyone, its really not like me!
My hubby worries for me that I won’t have anyone close if anything were to happen to him, but its now I need them not in the future when its too late!
I haven’t seen my oldest friend in 7 months, and I’ve not heard anything from her now in over a month, and though I know she is busy with work she has still let me down a lot over the last few months. It was my birthday in Jan and she promised to treat me to lunch but it never happened, and then she promised to see me in Feb and March, again nothing and so it was completely forgotten about.
I have a dilemma now though because I bought tickets at Christmas (hers was a gift from me) for us to go and see our favourite group, and they have just arrived, as its in two weeks time and I don’t know what to do!
I know for certain that when I let her know then she will definitely make time for that, even though she hasn’t managed to make time for me.
A friend at work suggested that I take hubby, make a night of it and then tell my pal at a later date that I completely forgot about the concert with everything that's been going on.
Though it sounds a good idea, I’m not too sure if I can do that, but its still possible that she may get in touch before then as you only need to Google search to find out the date of the concert. I know that I will feel aggrieved if we do end up going. Any advice on this please?(sorry its swerved from topic).
Some of our family members seem to think that all is hunky dory, and that if ever there is an emergency then we will let them know ,so that they can rally round!, I’m fed-up with feeling like we have to inform everyone, why can’t people stay in touch, I’m not asking for them to do this every day or week, but I have done this with friends and family in the past, its not so hard to show your support and love, surely!
It makes me feel so sad and alone sometimes!

blue moon

Thank-you @Tiffany , it certainly sounds like you understand where i'm coming from. we do our best, don't we and I agree that we change too, I've often said that I will never be the same person that I was before this Cancer came into our lives. Love the quotes by the way. :x::x:

Lizalou

Hi @blue moon
So sorry that you feel let down at such a difficult time. Most of my friends have been fantastic with regular phone calls and invitations for coffee but one let me down very badly. It feels so unfair, when a simple phone call can fit into anyone's busy schedule. But to be fair, we are better off without those sort of 'friends'.

And family.....well!

As far as your concert goes, I like the idea of you going with your husband, then claiming you were too overwrought to remember the original plan. In fact, your work colleague sounds like a really useful friend.

When I think of it, many of my best friends these days were mere acquaintances when I was first diagnosed. So you might find that making time and effort for newer and better friends is the way forward.

And I wonder if there are others here on the forum who live nearby to offer mutual support?

Community user

I found many friends and family to be well meaning but exhausting, I gradually pushed them away without much effort and now I have more energy to pursue some interests, in addition not everyone knows

tonibates1

@blue moon
hello - don't feel let down by 'so called friends' enjoy the new ones on this forum. I cannot believe how lovely everyone here is and I have arranged to meet a couple of lovely people who live near me for coffee and cake. We have found some people (including my own family) have completely distanced themselves from us, because they are 'scared' of what is happening. But there are plenty of people on this site who will listen, laugh and make you feel as though you belong. Am always here if you want a natter. Keep strong. :x::x::x::x::x::x::x::x::x::x::x::x::x::x:

Bridget55

Hi @blue moon. I live on my own so very reliant on friends and family helping out. There have been some very difficult days during chemo as well as adjusting to a new normal. Largely everyone has been great but there have been 2 disappointing exceptions. One is a close friend / neighbour who I used to go away with regularly on holidays but she hasn't bothered to call in to check how I was. It then makes it awkward when I see her in the village as it's really unforgivable. Like the rest of you I find it very surprising and disappointing but really it's their loss and focus on all the people who have supported me immensely. I do feel very lucky that I have had such good support from everyone else and obviously there is like minded mutual support on this forum. :x:

gun-dog-lass

Hi @blue moon i totally get were you are coming from, somenof my closest friends that i used to see numerous times a week i have seen since my diagnosis and friends i hadnt seen for years have come out of the woodwork and been a massive support.
It suits me fine my true friends are right behind me :x::x:

DianeS

Hi @blue moon just wanted to say hello, and can totally understand where you are coming from. Maybe people find it difficult to deal with someone who has cancer. I'm not sure what the reason for friends letting us down really is! But I've found the ones I know Care and I've made some amazing friends in the forum. Our outlook is really different after diagnosis, and I think we are more certain of what we want out of life. So many times I hear people say 'life is too short' and I see it in FB daily, but no one really understands the true meaning until we are faced with a disease or something that turns our lives literally upside down. You are never alone in the forum and we are all in the same boat, loveliest people ever ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Sparkles

Wow, im glad im not the only one that has experienced this and feels this way 🤔 I have very much found the people i thought would be there for me havent been and the the people i never expected havent left my side! This unfortunately includes close family 😔 and i feel it will never be the same again, in day to day life i accepted excuses about life been too busy but one phonecall during my chemoradiotherapy is upsetting..... Ive found one "Best" friend wont stop hounding me now because shes suddenly "Fed up" i cant catch my breath!!! My motto in life has always been -you get out, what you put in- As hard and as sad as i feel it is, if you couldnt be there for me in my darkest days please expect the favour to be returned :x::x:

Juliem1969

Totally agree @Sparkles I hardly see my oldest friend now, she hasn't even offered to go for a coffee lunch etc, find it quite upsetting but not gonna let it bother me.. Her loss methinks :x::x:

Sparkles

Definitely @Juliem1969 Lets see it as their loss because afterall if they cant handle us at our worse, they certainly dont deserve us at our best 😘 :x::x:

Swanseacat

Hello @blue moon, sorry you are experiencing this but like people are saying you are definitely not alone. I've been amazed how some not very close friends have stepped up and others I thought were really good friends have retreated. There is only so long you can make allowances for these latter ones I think. I'm not sure it necessarily needs to be a dramatic break - just make more space for those who do get it. :x::x::x::x:

blue moon

Thank you to each and everyone of you, there is always such good advice and support here and I so appreciate it. Like a couple of you mentioned, it would be good to make some new friends, maybe try and find out if some members are close by. As I've just noticed that a couple of you are going to meet up, how did you go about this? :x::x:

Lady GT

Hi @blue moon .
I also get exactly where you are coming from. It's a real eye opener and can be very disappointing, but ...

Bridget55

Ha ha @Lady GT. @blue moon..have a look at the location map and see if anyone close by. Also you could create a post asking if anyone interested in a meet in your area. Good luck. :x:

Hans

Yea we have found the same = my wifes old friends barely keep intouch - we are on our own. Even her son plans to emigrate knowing that he may never see his mum again. I don't understand them at all. Still, better to find true friends and support - I haad a clean out of friends 20 years ago = my life improved although at the time it felt lonely. Be strong! You have us brave lady
Hans

lindyloo

Hi @blue moon ditto to everything that has been said about this post I can honestly say that it's happened to us more so family eg my sister who I was so close to think I've seen her once in the year that we have been going through this.. My advice is take hubby to concert have a great time and sod the rest :x::x::x:

blue moon

Thank you so much to each and everyone of you, such sound advice once again. Loved the picture and quote @Lady GT. I am going to put a post up and see if anyone wants to meet up, we could even have coffee and cake!!! 😁 . Also after chatting with my work pal I've decided that I'm going to go to the concert either with hubby, if he's up to it, or if not then by myself! I'm gona be strong and I'm going to enjoy it!!

Bridget55

@blue moon good for you on all fronts
Wished I was closer to meet up. Enjoy that concert :x:

belinda66

Can empathise with so many here. I also hate those who order the sufferer to 'be positive', using the imperative and tell them what they should be feeling and doing. Why should a cancer sufferer be anything or be what others decide they should be? It's up to them how they feel and real friends would support them in what they want. When someone reacts by telling the person what they should be, they're making it about themselves and protecting themselves from what they don't want to hear. Unfortunately, a group of BC patients I've joined has some members who react like this so it's not supportive and one is not able to discuss sad or frightened feelings around cancer spreading, death, pain etc. Proper friends will allow a cancer sufferer to be sad, angry, frightened or whatever and be there for them in that. I've come to the conclusion that many Britons just don't know how to be a real friend. Something to do with upbringing and not being in touch with their own feelings. Or a kind of denial and 'everything must be jolly' mentality.

Jaybec

I think there is a lot of self protection from others when it comes to a cancer diagnosis and they justify their distance as giving you time. You certainly find out who your friends are during this journey. Personally I know I have a couple of friends and 2 awesome people on here that I totally express how I'm feeling but the others just get a glancing "I'm fine thanks" as I keep moving. Regarding your concert tickets, take hubby and have an amazing night. If your friend mentions it just say "I assumed you were busy" and keep moving on :x::x::x: