I haven't written on here for a while but have been taking a look at where people are at. So, now it's my turn and I'd really like some advice.
I am in a good physical place after 18 months of on going trauma. My details are in the 'young people with cancer' section link here for a bit of background
Following my reversal in September 11 and a rather awful infection I recovered pretty well once out of hospital and found I was able to function surprisingly well. I am very grateful for this and know that this isn't always the case (especially given complete large bowel removal).
My current issue is that I went back to work in January, building up days each week and gradually introducing work back into my life. I work in public health for the NHS and they have been brilliant about supporting me through my time off sick and in this re-introduction. The issue is that I just don't have what it takes to do the job anymore. Whilst I am apparently doing a good job (as fedback by my manager) I feel like a completely different person and just don't have it in me to work this much any more.
There is a physical issue - it's very hard to use the toilets in the office without lots of people hearing or waiting to use it. But to be honest, this I could get over this if I didn't have SO much noise in my head telling me it's wrong and I don't want to be there. The irony is that I do actually like my job, some (definitely not all!) of the people I work with and the prospects within it. But I just don't feel ready for it all yet, and wonder if I ever will. I have basically spent the last 3 weeks crying and agonising about what to do. I have been very honest with my manager about this who has been incredibly supportive, but the more this goes on the more official my reactions will become and will be monitored and assessed etc.. which all just feels like it's all spiralling out of control
I have some of my own business ideas and some consultant prospects which I'd like to have more time to look at which a options I would love to take if i wasn't working. Work have now agreed to me working 3 days a week or flexi time but it still doesn't feel like that's what I actually want. Maybe I just want to leave to have this one thing off my shoulders...
I suppose I'd like to find out what others think about this, if you've had similar back to work experiences and what you might do in this situation...in all honesty I have no idea why this is bothering me SO much (I got through cancer for f* sake!!!) and I really want to have the stories I read about feeling more grateful and happy that i have my life and I got through this awful time, but I just feel stuck in this stupid work decision and can't get past it. I know i'm 'lucky' (I've never liked that word but can't think of a better one right now) to have a job, to be able to make a choice, to be well enough to even think about working...but I'm just not convinced of it myself.
I wonder what you might think about this....
As a note - I have had many conversations with my friends, family and psychologist about these issues and a number have pointed out how spaghetti like my head is...I thought that was quite a good analogy for what it feel like at the moment...