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Relatives and friends

Baloo

Husband Not Talking

I wonder if anyone can help? My husband has been told there is no further treatment for him after 2.5 years with stage 4 cancer. He doesn’t know how long he has left and won’t ask (which I respect completely). All practical aspects of his will and wishes are done. The problem is he won’t talk about how he feels, what he wants from the rest of his life, how long he thinks he has, or anything really!

We had a fantastic relationship until now, and I am so desperately sad this is happening to him. I really want to make the most of our time, but he seems to think I’m just being demanding. He is angry and resentful and I’m truly worried that this is how it will be until he dies, in which case our memories will be of this awful time.

I tell him that I am so sad about it all and he seems to think “oh it’s all about you isn’t it?”. Don’t I have the right to be sad and worried for the future?

Hoping someone might know what I’m on about?!!

Incidentally, we are on holiday in Italy (very likely our last holiday) and there’s no sun, he is refusing to do anything and it’s my 50th birthday tomorrow - yes I feel fed up!

Baloo

Bridget55

Hi @Baloo
Try and enjoy your 50th celebration. Take sone deep breaths, look at the nature around and celebrate the happy times. It is harder for the other person especially when you need some compassion. Be kind to yourself. You will have a storm to weather but try for now to dance in the rain. Hugs Bridge@@:x::x::x:

Lizalou

Hi @Baloo

So sorry for you both, what an awful situation.

Once you are home, perhaps you can get some professional help, via palliative care team who, sadly, must get these issues all the time, and will be best advised to help you both.

You could also ask for counselling, which may at least help you a little bit.

But while you are away, and not having a perfect holiday under any circumstances, there is not a lot you can do. As the patient, I found holidays tough, because you can't leave illness issues at home, even though we normally go away to forget our problems for a while. At the moment, your husband obviously doesn't want to talk, so I think you need to accept that, for now. Can you just sit together and read, or do some gentle walking, without trying to say anything. I understand that you feel that there is a lot to discuss and that time is running out. But remember you have many years of shared conversations and holidays and birthdays, and that is what is important.

Sending hugs :x::x:

Kathy L

Hi. @Baloo. We too are at exact same stage as you. Almost 2.5 yrs stage 4 and while we haven't been told "no more treatment" I honestly expect it at our appointment next week. First course of Lonsurf abandoned after 4 days as he was so unwell. No chemo since beginning of Jan. Then he was told he had 6 to 12 months left.
I totally know what you are on about. Our once close relationship has taken a battering. Our lively conversations have resorted to the next pill time, constipation, tenna pant supplies and enough bog roll and wet wipes. His mobility is poor and while we haven't been on holiday for a year sitting in the garden this weekend has more than made up for it.
Paul is very sad and feels terribly guilty for putting us in this situation, and like you feel this is how he will be when the end comes, so I must try and not let these past months be my lasting memory. Although the important legal stuff is done he still had several cars I asked him not to leave me with, but only 1 has gone.
Only when you have travelled this journey do you have any idea just how difficult it is.
Love. To you and everyone.
Kathy :x::x::x::x:

Bridget55

Hi @Baloo it is indeed hard speaking as a patient. When your future is robbed from you. The psychological recovery has taken me longer to come to terms with. Luckily i went on an 8 week course run by oncology physchology which has helped enormously. Its really helped me live in the moment. Something to consider on your return. Its very hard and i sound like a really positive person but believe me ive been in a very dark place and still more obatacles to face. Im not sure how ive done it but just trying to live in the moment. Theres an article which i found helpful about monkeys and golf balls which has helped my thinking. Will forward it on :x::x:

Kathy L

Thanks @Bridget55 for the monkey tale. I loved it! I do try to make the most of what we have. One step at a time. Cross the bridges......etc.
Sometimes it just gets too much. I have only just finished caring first for my MIL, then my mother, then my FIL. The last thing I was expecting was to be carer for my husband. But there you are...those bl**dy monkeys stealing my golf balls and dropping then in the rough!
I am thankful for the life We have had and for the life we have still to come even if we have to dodge a few monkeys along the way.
:x:

Bridget55

Hi @Kathy L.. glad you like it. My psychologist recommended it .. do wonder why some of us get dealt these cards but makes us stronger :x::x:

angepange

Hi @Kathy L . This is a very hard time isn’t it. Even as a patient, and ive had my dark times, I’ve not experienced what your poor OH must be feeling. The devastation at knowing you are going to die sooner than you thought must make you so angry with everyone. I think Lizs suggestion of some counselling could help maybe? I remember seeing someone else post something very similar as a relative some time back. If you do a search, you may find it in the relatives thread. I think it’s important to get support through that group. They are the ones who really know what you are experiencing. We patients may just see it from your partner ‘s point of view? Lots of love moving forward. Angie :x::x::x:

angepange

So sorry, that was for @Baloo also.:x::x::x:

Baloo

Thank you everyone - it’s been so helpful to hear from you all. The monkeys are bu**ers aren’t they?! How right you are though that we just have to play a different game to the one we had expected :x::x:

Sasa

Hi @Baloo , yes I totally get where you’re coming from. Although Mark is usually upbeat, when he has an off day he can be very testy, and I don’t feel I can say much as it sounds so selfish to say anything given the situation.

Lucky you to be on holiday, we basically don’t do anything! I feel I sit around waiting either for the next lot of chemo (Mark is on round 17 currently) or I sit around while he surfs the net or goes out on his bike. When I arrange anything for me, he seems to feel left out. He was a pilot before he retired and so has no desire to go away any more, and I, on the other hand, have not travelled much as I always said I would do it when I retire! Guess I won’t be doing much travelling then!

So I, too am feeling pretty short changed at the moment 😪 we seem to be living parallel lives don’t we? We are all here for you my lovely, and its good to hear from you!

Sarah :x:

Baloo

Hi Sarah, how lovely to hear from you - I’m sorry it’s been so long! I would love to chat to you by email as we had started that? I’m sorry anyone else is feeling like me, but glad at the same time as it really is a comfort to know I’m not alone :x::x: