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Beating Bowel Cancer Community

Life with bowel cancer

1234annie

Going back to work...

Hi All,
My last few posts have been a bit of a downer and I think I need antidepressants again. I'm really struggling with the mental impact this is having... It's just mind bending! I can't stop thinking about it!!
Why am I so worried about it coming back or what the future holds I'm gonna drop dead at some point? I just wish I wasn't bothered by it and could enjoy stuff more. Everything feels so out of control and I'm doubting what I've been told...maybe they are keeping stuff from me. This probably all sounds so stupid!! The worst one is not 'why me' but what did I do wrong to give myself cancer!! I just fancy cracking open the wine and saying fuck it all and get really pissed!!😕
Annie

Kathy L

@1234annie. Well Thursday seems to be my "crying day" although this Thursday I only cried until lunch time! I seem to worrying about everything these days not just Pauls cancer and our uncertain future.
I am almost teetotal but when the going gets tough a large glass of sherry is my go to tipple. It seems to round off all the sharp edges and gives a soft warm mellow feeling! And I don't need much.......
We all have to get through this one way or another by whatever means. Hang on in there!
Kathy :x:

Seashells

I could have written your exact words early this morning @1234annie I woke up and immediately burst into tears. I try to keep busy so I can't dwell on it but the more chemo I have the more exhausted I become and then all the bad thoughts come flooding back. All I can say is I'm in awe of you for managing so many cycles. You've done really well. I've only had 4 and am seriously thinking I won't get through the next one, days 4-6 last time were almost unbearable.
I say go for it on the ADs, and do whatever it takes to help you get by. I am on painkillers so my GP isn't keen on me having ADs but I do get counselling which helps a lot - I just dump all my bad thoughts there and feel better for a few days. Is it an option for you?

GD1962

Hi @Seashells

I can't see an issue with antidepressants and pain relief, as many in pain suffer from depression in most chronic disease states. Indeed duloxetine is prescribed for neuropathic pain and is also an antidepressant.

Oh dear, most of the patients at the practice I work are on a cocktail of stuff and have been for years I mean I scrutinise a lot of patients medication and don't think I would have hesitated on prescribing you an antidepressant. I prescribe for mild to moderate depression and occasional severe and you would probably be moderate.

Hope you get a more empathic GP.

Good luck :x::x::x:

1234annie

Thanks everyone. I'm glad we all agree that a glass of something is ok as id decided it was my love of wine that given me f-ing cancer and another drop would finish me off....
This is the only real place I can let it all out. I don't even open up to my hubby although he's my rock. No one understands like a person been or going though it. You lot are amazeballs!! @Baxter2 @GD1962 @Seashells @Kathy L @Duranie @Lawsey @Jaynesr
I had a glass of wine and my heads in a better (fuck it all) place so I shall sleep well tonight!

Duranie

@Seashells. I have the exact same issue with my GP...
@GD1962 I’ve been through pretty much everything for neuropathy- I’ve got both peripheral & autonomic neuropathy die to long standing type 1 diabetes, unfortunately the only one I tolerate is gabapentin, the rest either knock me out completely or made me hallucinate & become quite unwell (pregabalin). That’s the reason why I ended up on MST even pre cancer.

1234annie

Well today the cloud lifted off my shoulders. That was very dark!!! I decided to give cancer the shove for the weekend and instead we are being a foster family to this lady while she finds her forever family. 😁

Baxter2

Great news @1234annie! Enjoy your foster doggie and weekend. It’s absolutely ok to have dark days but I’m so glad you’ve given cancer the shove for the weekend anyway! Sending lots of love, hope and strength to you! K 💜💛💚💙❤️

Clancy

@1234annie, glad you are feeling better today. I am having another day of wallowing. I think that we have our chemo at the same time, and pump of on Monday. It seems to be taking me the whole week to get over it these days, whereas it used to be 2/3 days. I still think it's the dexamethasone crash. I even missed my counselling session yesterday and lunch out today. I hope I shake it off by tomorrow.:x::x:

kidsversuscopy

Oh snap, lovely. I know exactly how you feel. I actually finished my chemo this week and now I'm thrown into even more panic! Was it enough etc. They don't want to scan me until May!!! WTF. You can imagine my stress levels. Cancer can bloody do one. I have very low days too. Actually cancer counselling has been really good for me. Would you consider something like that? You're doing brilliantly :x::x::x:

1234annie
Quote from @Clancy:
@1234annie, glad you are feeling better today. I am having another day of wallowing. I think that we have our chemo at the same time, and pump of on Monday. It seems to be taking me the whole week to get over it these days, whereas it used to be 2/3 days. I still think it's the dexamethasone crash. I even missed my counselling session yesterday and lunch out today. I hope I shake it off by tomorrow.

Yes I'm pump off Sunday!! I hope you climb out the chemo hole tomorrow. It takes me a good week now too. Hugs :x:

1234annie
Quote from @Baxter2:
Great news @1234annie! Enjoy your foster doggie and weekend. It’s absolutely ok to have dark days but I’m so glad you’ve given cancer the shove for the weekend anyway! Sending lots of love, hope and strength to you! K 💜💛💚💙❤️

Thank u for your support. It's a huge help. :x:

1234annie
Quote from @kidsversuscopy:
Oh snap, lovely. I know exactly how you feel. I actually finished my chemo this week and now I'm thrown into even more panic! Was it enough etc. They don't want to scan me until May!!! WTF. You can imagine my stress levels. Cancer can bloody do one. I have very low days too. Actually cancer counselling has been really good for me. Would you consider something like that? You're doing brilliantly

I've always bottled it up. I could do with off loading from my childhood (mum was an alcoholic) but I just don't want too. I now feel unless the person has had cancer how do they know how I feel? You lot are my councillors now lol. My reflexologist who I've know for years had aggessive breast cancer 15 years ago and she's wonderful with me. :x:

1234annie

Baxter2

Glad you’re feeling a little brighter @1234annie! You look so good with your foster doggie! Lots of love, K 💜💛💚💙❤️

snowsister

@1234annie you have absolutely every right to feel all those emotions and then some...
I agree 100% counselling could be an amazing outlet for you.... but seeing the smile on your face with your gorgeous foster doggie I think you've got this!!!
I'm trying to play the C card to get a puppy (I have absolutely no shame you see😆😆). Your foster dog idea has inspired me.... a new approach! Genius!!
Hang in there, you are a million times tougher than you think you are....🌼X🌼

1234annie
Quote from @snowsister:
@1234annie you have absolutely every right to feel all those emotions and then some...
I agree 100% counselling could be an amazing outlet for you.... but seeing the smile on your face with your gorgeous foster doggie I think you've got this!!!
I'm trying to play the C card to get a puppy (I have absolutely no shame you see😆😆). Your foster dog idea has inspired me.... a new approach! Genius!!
Hang in there, you are a million times tougher than you think you are....🌼X🌼

Yes dogs are the best therapy!! Ive not dwelled in it today and the kids were so excited too. I'm trying to get a big discount on an extention to my house by playing the c card too...i have no shame...cancer needs some perks!!!!

snowsister

Ooh, an extension would be a brilliant distraction, and project..... keep us informed!!!
Glad today's better, who knows what tomorrow will bring....
I've stopped the booze for chemo radio chemo course, but already have my finishing drink picked out!!!😁
🌼X🌼

1234annie

Yes I'm meeting with the builders tomorrow. Here's my foster girl that no one in our family wants to be adopted!!

Kathy L

@1234annie. Looks like you have a new family member then! She's lovely!